You can not change the law of physics.  A steamer trunk will not fit under your seat nor in the overhead compartment.

My seat is 38" wide.  Your newspaper is 48" wide.  Enough said.

If you have a weak bladder, you should sit in the aisle seat.  The window seat is overrated any way.

I really do not want to hear about how much you paid for your seat.  If your deal was more than 30% better than mine, I will be forced to beat you to death upon landing.

I need foot room as much as you do.  Your bag goes under the seat directly in front of you, not under the seat directly in front of me.

Do not make a big deal about sitting in first class.  Everyone on the plane knows your sitting up there because you had an upgrade coupon and you showed up at the airport two hours before the flight left.

I know the portions of food are small, but no matter how hard you stare at it, I am not giving up my miniature Baby Ruth bar!

All children caught kicking my seat for more than five minutes will be stuffed into the nearest overhead bin.

What part of, "please wait until the aircraft has come to a complete stop and the captain has turned off the fasten seat belt sign," did you not understand?

Any person using an airplane bathroom for more than two minutes will be sucked out through the toilet.

I'm sure that it was really scary when the plane engine died over Cincinnati for three minutes, but I really don't need to hear about it.

Didn't your mother teach you to chew with your mouth closed?

Didn't your mother teach you to cover your mouth when you cough?

Didn't your mother teach you to cover your face when you sneeze?

Didn't your mother teach you not to pick your nose?

Your mother didn't teach you a whole lot did she.

Any passenger who takes more than one pillow and/or one blanket will be beaten with a wet towel upon landing.

If you are cold please do not tell the flight attendant.  She will only ask the captain to turn the heat up to the point of you being too hot.  This rule also conversely applies if you are too hot.

What part of Row 23, seat A do you not understand?

Three things you never want to hear while flying, one, "this plane is being hijacked," two, "this plane has a bomb on it," and three, "this flight is being diverted to Cleveland."

The size of your seat is inversely proportionate to the time you will spend in the air.

If you want to go to sleep there will always be a screaming baby seated directly behind you.

If you need to do work on your laptop computer, there will always be a person asleep with their seat reclined directly in front of you.

If you want to read quietly, there will always be a used car salesman from Pocatello, Idaho with seven kids sitting right next to you.

If you forgot to bring a book, can't sleep, and don't have any work to do, you will be seated in a row by yourself.

When you have the time to take another flight, the flight will never be overbooked.

When you do not have the time to take another flight, you will be bumped off of the overbooked flight.

What part of, "now boarding those passengers seated in Row 15 to 29," did you not understand.

If you are going to force me to sit on the tarmac for twelve hours while waiting for a gate, I will be compelled to open the emergency door to escape.

Just once I would like to use the slide instead of the jet way.